Seven years behind

I was 18 when I last saw him. He was tall and had deep brown eyes. I remember the last time I saw him. It was after our breakup. We had been together for almost two years.  Had I known then what I know now, I probably wouldn’t have loved him the way I did, the way I do. I am 25 now, just started my job as an industrial engineer. A lot has changed since the last time I saw Vincent. I’ve become more independent, more educated, more matured and more aware; especially when it comes to matters of the heart. So here I am; not planning to get acquainted, not planning to love and here he is, seven full years later, standing at my doorstep with carnations in his hands. I have always loved carnations. The deep pink in their smooth leaves always made my heart melt. I loved these flowers. If I recall correctly, he was the last person to ever buy me carnations.

I stood there puzzled, not sure what to do, I could slam this door in his face right now. I could close this door the way he closed his heart on me seven years ago. I could forget him now like I tried seven years ago, but I did not, I smiled, “Vince, Vincent Jacobs” I said, trying hard not to show the pain in my eyes. He smiled, handing to me the most beautiful carnations I’ve ever seen. Maybe it is because the last time I saw these was seven years ago, or maybe it’s the contrast between my love for the flower and the resentment I felt in my heart for this man that made these flowers look more remarkable. “Hello, Jennifer”, he said my name in full. He never did, unless there was something serious going on, but I didn’t ask. I am rather too grown up to be playing mind games. “Thank you” I said, absorbing the sweet scented smell of the flowers and inviting him in with my right hand.

I offered him a drink, he asked for tea. I knew how he liked it, but I asked, it had been seven years and things change in seven years. I excused myself as he drank the tea; I felt the need to change my clothes for he had caught me at a bad time. I was studying for my MBA exams. I was dressed in my short pyjama pants and wrapped in my morning gown.  I went to my room to change and when I came back he was still sipping on the tea. I sat down and asked him in a rather confusing way “What do you want?” I said this with a smile as bright as dawn, but my voice cold as ice. He looked at me, sensing the tension in my tone, but choosing to ignore it. “Jennifer” he whispered “I’ve missed you”. I did not dare smile, nor did I show any emotion. I wasn’t going to let the only man who made me weak know how much I missed him; how much I loved him, for I did, I loved him deeply. But he would never know. I wasn’t going to let this man know.  I loved him, but I resented him. I loved him because he had made a mark in my heart and I hated him because he had left it there when he walked out of my life.

I was only 18, young, bright and full of life. It was my first year in college. I was adjusting. I remember how I blamed myself, but it was never about me. It was all about Vince and his plans. I didn’t fit into his plans or his future. He wasn’t going to wait for me to finish my degree, because I didn’t fit in there. He wanted to settle down at 25, by then I would be 22 and still getting my degree. My education meant the world to me, it still does, and I always had dreams and being female; I wanted independence first before I settled down to be someone’s wife. I remember how he replaced me, he did, and it couldn’t have been more than a week. Sometimes I felt like she had always been there, but I always brushed that thought off, saving myself unnecessary pain. He knew I wasn’t going to answer, for I looked at him with nothing but resentment.  “Jen” he whispered “I’m sorry”. Again I said nothing, he reached out to hold my hand, and his hands had not changed. They were rough, but smooth. I remembered how safe I once felt when they touched me. Now it was different, I felt betrayed.

I pulled away my hand. “I don’t fit in” I whispered. I’m sure he saw for the first time how much those words had hurt me. They had scarred me. It is that day when I decided it was better to let it go. It was because of those words. “You don’t fit into my life plan” they had pierced me, for at that moment I knew I had loved where I was not loved. Even the thought still pierced my heart. Those words took away all the hope I ever had in love. He looked at me, not sure of what to say. I looked at him again and asked him to leave. He hesitated, but stood up. I could sense his eyes starring at me from above, but I didn’t look, not until his feet moved. Before he opened the door he said something that unsettled my thoughts. “You fit in now” he said. I looked at him, trying hard not to explode. “If I didn’t fit in your plans seven years ago, then I don’t fit in now. You didn’t love me enough then, you wont love me enough now” and with this he muttered something that I didn’t get, but I didn’t ask, instead I asked him to leave and he did.  Alone I  was left with bitter tears in my eyes, a bunch of beautiful carnations on my table and the same broken heart I had seven years ago, but now it was different. Now I didn’t blame myself, I didn’t, actually, I felt rather content, for I would rather be alone than be with a man who never made plans for me in his future.