Assembling Yesterday's Puzzle

His question felt rather strange. Of course I knew him. I had loved him once, ten years ago to be exact.  I was eighteen back then and today standing in front of him was strange.  “I’m sorry” he said again looking deep in my eyes as if he could see right through me “Do I know you?” He knew me and I knew him. He had been coming to this library for the past two weeks at noon for the past two weeks and I had seen him gaze at me for hours although I pretended not to notice. I had seen him struggle everyday to remember why he felt he knew the nerdy librarian sitting behind the computer and today he had walked up to me and finally asked. I looked at him with a tender smile “me?” I asked, looking behind my chair to confirm, but I knew he was talking to me. “Yes you miss” he said. For a moment I felt a bit annoyed that he had addressed called me miss, although it is quite true that I’m not married. I wondered how he guessed it. It suddenly occurred to me that he had been the only person who had been able to read through me. He only had been able to see the tears behind my brilliant smile. Perhaps he could see right through me, perhaps he could see all the lonely tears that I hide so much. Maybe that tragic accident had not taken that ability from him. Maybe it really had not erased all of his past from his mind as the newspapers and television had reported. I remember when I saw this on front cover of daily news; it had been “Ryan McCarthy-sport beast loses his memory after tragic accident”. I had wondered if he would remember me and that one year when he meant everything to me. “I’m sorry sir, I have to attend to the group of students standing in line” I don’t think he had noticed the queue forming behind him. “What time is your lunch break? Can I talk to you then?” he asked pleadingly. I smiled and nodded and watched him return to the chair and looked at me as I shifted my attention back to the students who were waiting patiently.

I watched as the clock slowly approached my lunch hour and still he was looking at me. I imagined thousands and thousands puzzle pieces in his mind that didn’t seem to make any sense.  I could only imagine waking up and not knowing who I had been. I looked at him, his gaze didn’t leave me and he never once looked like he was losing his patience. He just sat there looking; just starring, like he was holding a puzzle piece but didn’t know where it fit in. one o clock, I saw the time on my wrist watch but I felt my legs stiffen, my feet cold with fear. Not the kind of fear one would feel at gun point, the kind of fear that one feels before a test, before an exam. He walked up to me “it’s your lunch hour, I know. I’ve been studying you for the last two weeks. “I smiled at him and made the library lunch announcement. “Attention all library users, the library is now closed until 2pm. You are all requested to leave the premises” it was odd that the library had to close, but they could only afford to employ one librarian when they opened this library three months ago and I had been lucky to be chosen.  Everyone walked out of the library and i closed the door behind them. Now they were alone and i felt the fear intensify. He didn’t scare me, rather he made me nervous.

 

we sat down. “Do you know me?” he asked. “Of course I know you. Who doesn’t?  You are Ryan McCarthy”. He smiled realising that it had been a silly thing to ask although he didn’t quite remember how big of a sports star he was. “You are teasing me” he giggled. “Do I know you?” his expression now serious. I hesitated a bit, looked down for a while and nodded. “Yes, you know me Ray” I said calling like I used to ten years ago with hope to trigger memory. “Ray “he repeated after me, and then his eyes lit up as if he got a glimpse of the past. He looked deep in my eyes. “Ray” he repeated again and again. “Tiffany” he said my name at last. I couldn’t help but smile, blush.  “Tiffany Hamilton” he said looking more excited.  “Nerdy Tiff, book freak” he said like a child. “Hey!” I laughed. “You don’t have to remember that”. We spoke for a while. He asked me questions about myself, I also did and he seemed to remember more and more details of his life although a big chunk of it still lingered in memory. I did not tell him how we used to be in love and I don’t think he remembered it. It hurt me quite a bit, but I wanted him to remember it himself. If that year had been as great for him as it was for him, he’d surely remember I told myself. He looked at me again “but it’s deeper than that isn’t it? “He asked “Don’t tell me, I’ll remember, maybe not today, but I will.”

 

He didn’t remember that day or the day after that when he brought me lunch or the weekend after that when we went out for movies. He just didn’t remember. I didn’t complain though, I loved his company and we were fast becoming friends. Ryan came by the library a lot. We would sit and talk during my breaks and he would come to my place and we would sit and talk for hours. Sometimes when conversations became intense, I thought he’d remember, but he didn’t. Sometimes I’d see him studying me and I’d think he’d remember, but he didn’t. Soon I gave up on him remembering and just enjoyed the company of the man who had fast become my best friend. “You are my best friend” he said to me one day over a game of truth or dare and I smiled at him. “You are mine too” I replied and we both smiled.

One Sunday night he knocked on my door, about eight months since he asked me if I knew him. I was quite surprised to see him. He usually called before he came over. "hi Ray" I smiled, he smiled too and came in. we sat and spoke for a while and then he said something that caught me off-guard. "how can a woman like you still be single Tiff?" he asked me sounding a bit serious. "heartbreak can deprive a woman of the ability to love" I said sounding a bit sad. " You love me, don't you Tiff? As a friend, I mean, you love me" he said smiling at her. "of course I do, but its the only way I can love" I said. My answer didn't quite satisfy him an I could see it in his eyes. We spoke until late, until he decided he had to go. I gave him a hug at the door. "Its deeper than this Tiff, and I'll remember" he said that and left.

H didn't remember, not that night, not the following month, or in the following six months. I had stopped hoping and I thought he had stopped remembering until one day before he left the library. he walked up to me after having sat and looked at me for three hours. "July the 2nd" he had said this and left. I was left stunned for a while. "July the 2nd" I had repeated after he left. Did I know this day? of course I did. We had met on July the 2nd, eleven years ago and separated a year later when he got a scholarship to pursue his career in sport in Germany. I was happy for him, and I wanted him to take the opportunity and he did. Years later he was a sportsman, a big one and I was where I had to be. I was a librarian with eight published novels and 26 short stories. I loved my job, being around books inspired me. That night he knocked on my door. " I remember" he said. "I remember that year Tiff." he smiled and kissed me. "The deep feeling, I know what it is. It's love. I remember how we danced next to the lake back in Florida. I remember the games we used to play and the love in your eyes. we were different, different but in love" he said this and he hugged me  tight. "Now I know why a woman like you is still alone, she is a waiting for a man like me to remember" I smiled. I loved him. "Don't deny it Tiff, I still see the love in your eyes and its beautiful, its intense. its the same love I saw when we danced next to the lake" I hugged him, This was the start of beautiful story. Every year on the 2nd of July we talk about our beautiful love story, about our year in Florida, our time apart and when he remembered, when he assembled the scattered puzzle pieces of his past.    

 

Strange Mother : My father's love, my mother's neglect

"Goodness!" Melinda sighed. she knew it was coming. She had been expecting the results for weeks now. She felt a bit of resentment to what she was about to see. She resented her parents, how could they just leave her to grow up with strangers. then she felt a bit of guilt. they had not been strangers until three months ago when they told her she was an adopted child. She loved them dearly. They had raised her like their very own. She had never felt like an outcast to the family. They loved her dearly, took her to school, gave her all the love a child could ask for. They were paying for her college education. They called her their daughter. They dropped her off in Berry villae college and picked her up every semester. Her brothers and sisters loved her like she was one of their own. And she was, they never once made her feel unwelcome. She picked up her cellphone and dialled the home telephone number. At once Josh was at the other end, His now deepening voice brightened up when he heard her voice. "sis, we never hear from you much these days, parties keeping you busy?" he chuckled. "oh dear brother" she said sarcastically "art thou not too young to ask me about parties" she giggled. They spoke for a short while and then she asked for her mom. " Mom, i got the envelope' she said in a now serious tone. " Oh dear, what does it say?" her mom answered in an even more serious tone. "I didn't want to open to open them alone" she said with her voice now shaking with emotion. She felt cold tears stream down her face. Why did it hurt her so much? She resented her biological mother and now finding out who she really was felt like a sharp pain in her heart. the gathered the courage to answer her mom who was now asking repeatedly if she was okay.

"No mom, I'm not okay" she cried  more heavily. "what did i ever do to her? why did she hate me so much that she had to give me away? I am not yours but you've loved me more than she could ever love me. why does she all of a sudden just show up and claim me as hers. you took care of me. you nursed me, you bathed me. you loved me as your very own, i love you mom" she said this and broke down even more. "Melinda, now listen to me. you've always been mine. i love as my own because because you are nothing less than that. you are my own" she said, now with tears also. she understood all too well what Melinda was feeling right now, She too had been an adopted child. Melinda held the envelope, hesitating a bit, and whispering to her mom "Mom, this will not change anything, will it?'  "Not a thing" her mother replied. She opened it and there it was. Dianne Wesley was her biological mother. the woman now laying in a hospital bed in need of a kidney was her mother.

It was a cold day. The snow was light but cold. she wore her red leather jacket and black jeans. The large wrap-around scarf that she wore made her look more chic. Her family was picking her up today. This time they were not taking her home. This time she was going to Dream Ville hospital, to see the woman who was her mother. She  went in. The room felt rather cold. She looked at her, she looked helpless; like she could close her eyes and it would be the end of her. Dianne looked at her and smiled. "you came" she found the strength to speak. Melinda just looked at her. She resented this woman. She felt neglected. "Why did you leave me?" she asked, with a lot of resentment in her voice. Dianne's smiled disappeared. " I was young. Your father had just died in a drunken accident. I was only 18. I was a drug addict, i didn't have any form of education, no job, no money, my family didn't want anything to do with me. I was too young, too stupid, too unstable, i couldn't take care of you. I couldn't give you anything. "

Melinda did not move, she did not smile. She just stood there looking at Dianne for a while and then she spoke with anger in her voice "You can't take care of me now. Why did you find me? You need a kidney, and I can give you one, can't I? ". Dianne said nothing, she sobbed heavily; her eyes deep with regret and pain. She felt something she had never felt before. The feeling of being selfless. she did not want the kidney, not from Melinda. Thinking about it, it made perfect sense. Wouldn't a sick mother who gave away a baby look for her when she needed a kidney? Desperation can do that to people, but she knew in her heart that this was not the reason she was here. She knew why she had come to look for her daughter. She had been looking for her for three years now, long before she knew she had kidney stones. She had been having dreams about the daughter she abandoned, wondering how she turned out and now here she was, her baby girl, more beautiful than she had ever imagined, but the resentment, the hate in her eyes was deep, so deep even she could sense it.

"Who is was my father?" Melinda whispered, looking straight at Dianne and sensing the pain in her. She didn't say anything for a while, she just cried even more. Melinda sensed a lot of pain in her, like there was something about her father that still haunted Dianne. It had been 19 years ago when he died, but she still sensed  the  love in her pain, like he had been the only man she loved. "James, that was his name, James Woods, your father loved me and he loved you. I remember how much he begged me to keep you, he begged me to quit drinking and  drugs. He begged me to go back to school. I loved him to, sometimes i feel like he is  the only man I can claim to have loved, but maybe I didn't love him the way he loved me or I would have fought to be a better person for him. He died in an accident, the other driver was drunk and he crashed into him and at that moment I knew I had to let you live, even when I knew I couldn't take care of you. I knew in my heart that you deserved a better life; a life that James would have given you had he had the chance to live. That  is why I gave you up, because I didn't want to take away from your childhood." With this Melinda cried, she felt guilt build up in herself, but she was not one to be easily manipulated. "Why didn't you just change yourself and keep me? Why didn't you change for my father? You kept me for him, why couldn't you change for him?" she said this and left. She still hated her, she did, but in a way she felt sorry for her.

 

At home Melinda sat and cried. She wished she had met her father. She imagined him as the perfect father in the world. Not more perfect that the man she had grown to know as her father, he had loved her unconditionally and had treated her as his daughter. She knew in her heart that it took a great man, a wonderful man to do something like that especially if they had kids of their own, but with James she felt a deeper bond, this is a man who had loved her before he knew her, a man who had begged for her to live. This was a man   who loved her, he was the reason she was alive now. For Dianne she had mixed feelings. She felt neglected and abandoned by her. what do you do when a strange woman, who is your mother show up in need of a kidney. The words tossed and turned in her head "strange mother" she whispered. Do you forgive how she abandoned you and help her or do you turn a blind eye and ignore her existence the same way she left you? That night she didn't sleep at all. Her mind kept her awake. Tomorrow she would know what to do and whatever she chose to do would change her life.  Whatever she did, in the end, she would be a different person. How? She did not know but she it would change her life forever    

 

       

Seven years behind

I was 18 when I last saw him. He was tall and had deep brown eyes. I remember the last time I saw him. It was after our breakup. We had been together for almost two years.  Had I known then what I know now, I probably wouldn’t have loved him the way I did, the way I do. I am 25 now, just started my job as an industrial engineer. A lot has changed since the last time I saw Vincent. I’ve become more independent, more educated, more matured and more aware; especially when it comes to matters of the heart. So here I am; not planning to get acquainted, not planning to love and here he is, seven full years later, standing at my doorstep with carnations in his hands. I have always loved carnations. The deep pink in their smooth leaves always made my heart melt. I loved these flowers. If I recall correctly, he was the last person to ever buy me carnations.

I stood there puzzled, not sure what to do, I could slam this door in his face right now. I could close this door the way he closed his heart on me seven years ago. I could forget him now like I tried seven years ago, but I did not, I smiled, “Vince, Vincent Jacobs” I said, trying hard not to show the pain in my eyes. He smiled, handing to me the most beautiful carnations I’ve ever seen. Maybe it is because the last time I saw these was seven years ago, or maybe it’s the contrast between my love for the flower and the resentment I felt in my heart for this man that made these flowers look more remarkable. “Hello, Jennifer”, he said my name in full. He never did, unless there was something serious going on, but I didn’t ask. I am rather too grown up to be playing mind games. “Thank you” I said, absorbing the sweet scented smell of the flowers and inviting him in with my right hand.

I offered him a drink, he asked for tea. I knew how he liked it, but I asked, it had been seven years and things change in seven years. I excused myself as he drank the tea; I felt the need to change my clothes for he had caught me at a bad time. I was studying for my MBA exams. I was dressed in my short pyjama pants and wrapped in my morning gown.  I went to my room to change and when I came back he was still sipping on the tea. I sat down and asked him in a rather confusing way “What do you want?” I said this with a smile as bright as dawn, but my voice cold as ice. He looked at me, sensing the tension in my tone, but choosing to ignore it. “Jennifer” he whispered “I’ve missed you”. I did not dare smile, nor did I show any emotion. I wasn’t going to let the only man who made me weak know how much I missed him; how much I loved him, for I did, I loved him deeply. But he would never know. I wasn’t going to let this man know.  I loved him, but I resented him. I loved him because he had made a mark in my heart and I hated him because he had left it there when he walked out of my life.

I was only 18, young, bright and full of life. It was my first year in college. I was adjusting. I remember how I blamed myself, but it was never about me. It was all about Vince and his plans. I didn’t fit into his plans or his future. He wasn’t going to wait for me to finish my degree, because I didn’t fit in there. He wanted to settle down at 25, by then I would be 22 and still getting my degree. My education meant the world to me, it still does, and I always had dreams and being female; I wanted independence first before I settled down to be someone’s wife. I remember how he replaced me, he did, and it couldn’t have been more than a week. Sometimes I felt like she had always been there, but I always brushed that thought off, saving myself unnecessary pain. He knew I wasn’t going to answer, for I looked at him with nothing but resentment.  “Jen” he whispered “I’m sorry”. Again I said nothing, he reached out to hold my hand, and his hands had not changed. They were rough, but smooth. I remembered how safe I once felt when they touched me. Now it was different, I felt betrayed.

I pulled away my hand. “I don’t fit in” I whispered. I’m sure he saw for the first time how much those words had hurt me. They had scarred me. It is that day when I decided it was better to let it go. It was because of those words. “You don’t fit into my life plan” they had pierced me, for at that moment I knew I had loved where I was not loved. Even the thought still pierced my heart. Those words took away all the hope I ever had in love. He looked at me, not sure of what to say. I looked at him again and asked him to leave. He hesitated, but stood up. I could sense his eyes starring at me from above, but I didn’t look, not until his feet moved. Before he opened the door he said something that unsettled my thoughts. “You fit in now” he said. I looked at him, trying hard not to explode. “If I didn’t fit in your plans seven years ago, then I don’t fit in now. You didn’t love me enough then, you wont love me enough now” and with this he muttered something that I didn’t get, but I didn’t ask, instead I asked him to leave and he did.  Alone I  was left with bitter tears in my eyes, a bunch of beautiful carnations on my table and the same broken heart I had seven years ago, but now it was different. Now I didn’t blame myself, I didn’t, actually, I felt rather content, for I would rather be alone than be with a man who never made plans for me in his future.