the cold now lives within me
the wind blows through my hair as if it were rehearsed
my heart is now numb and the heavy rain blinds my eyes
the sunshine feels miles away
im frezzing inside my skin
you left me
and you never looked back
you see, i used to be warm
before you dragged me out into the cold
before you told me you'd stand by me
i used to be beautiful
my heart felt the warmness of love
and when you said you'd be there,
i believed you
you left me out in the snow
you shut your door and you sealed it locked
and you did not even look to see if id cry
you shut your door on me
you left me holding on to yesterday
yesterday when you opened your arms to keep me warm
yesterday when you looked at me and saw love
you shut your house on me and you never looked back
you left me freezing in the cold
you set up fire in your house
and you used the wood i helped you chop
you did not even peep through the window
you left me freezing in the storm
i stood there covered in snow
i hoped that you'd return
or at least look to see if im ok
you left me out here and you never looked back
you remained warm inside your house and you did not even break
one of those days i started walking
i did not know into which direction i was headed
somewhere along that line i stopped hoping
i stopped believing
i stopped looking back
i couldnt make myself look back at you
i knew you wouldnt be there looking back at me
to you i had become a one of the snowman
cold and numb outside your house
unworthy of your love
undeserving of your kindness
to you i had become your past
Monday 25 May 2015
Tuesday 17 March 2015
Letting go
my father once said to me. "if you hold your puppy to tight you will squeeze the life out of it". back then i did not understand, because i did not have a puppy and even though i wanted one. he never thought i was ready for it. " the risk is, if you let it go. let it breathe. see the world, it might run off" he continued. i still did not understand. the most crucial part and i must say, the one that most applied to my life was "give it the choice, you cant make it stay.". sometimes i find myself repeating these words after him in my mind. sometimes i cry to the echoing sound that seems to cloud my mind. "you cant make it stay"
my name is Lucy, and when my puppy came i couldn't have known it was him, because it came in the form of a man i loved so dearly. James, James White. People used to say I'll end up with him, that he and i were meant to be. i loved him. i would have done anything to keep him. i used to dream that he would be the one to father my children and that i would one day walk down the isle, my brother holding my hand and he would be at the end of the alter. many times we had broken up. and every time i found myself apologizing and waiting for him. sometimes we'd go months in a break up and id wait for him. i loved him and i thought i couldn't have no-one but him. my heart had become so programmed for him that even when i told myself no more waiting, my subconscious would still wait.
James and i had been together for a little over 5 years. he was the kind of man that every girl would have loved to marry. he was loving and present. i never had to worry about him with other women. sometimes i think we had been through it all, that we'd be able to survive anything, and sometimes that dream would be snatched from me and id be left with doubt. in all his loving and presence, James made me feel overwhelmed. especially when we were not together. And although i loved him, it felt as though he was turning me into someone else, someone that, although i recognized, was not me. He was turning me into a younger, less happy image of himself. i had learnt to be like him. to think like him, to be him and somewhere along the way i disappeared, so much so that all that was left of me was him. i was so consumed in his idea of love that i had forgotten my own. Love was supposed to be liberating,
it took me a year to realize that i was not happy anymore. And he had mentioned to me in a fight that he wasn't happy. i knew he was happy. i knew i would never be good enough for him. Not because i'm a terrible human being. in fact, i like to think i'm a good person, but because James was not looking for a girl like me. i knew i wasn't that girl, but the idea of letting go and moving on terrified me. All my hopes and dreams of being in a family, happy were with him and changing them scared me. I loved James, i still do, And i believe that somewhere in his heart, James loved me too.
letting go is not easy. I have come to believe that destiny is created, not certain. I could have chosen to marry James, squeeze my puppy, but i let him go, set him free so that someday, he may be happy, with someone new. A perfect owner for my puppy. "You cant make him stay" my daddy had said, and he was right, you can never make anyone stay. no matter how much you love them, how much you want them to stay. I would have loved for James to stay, but deep down i knew he would have loved for me to change. Love changes some things in you, that is a fact,love lets you be, love liberates you, love gives you a headache sometimes, sometimes it makes you cry, love lets you grow with time, love lets you find your path, but love doesn't completely transform you. it leaves space for your true nature to exist. One night in the depth of a heated fight, James said to me "i'm not happy lately", i hesitated, i cried, but in the end i replied "the truth is, you are not happy with me" oh, i remember how painful it felt, but i did not stop "if you are so unhappy, get up, walk away, let go" and a few days later he did. i'm not waiting anymore, my heart is not waiting. subconsciously, instead of waiting, i'm fixing myself. "you cant make him stay" i still hear my father's echoing voice in my head. "if you hold your puppy too close, you will squeeze the life out of him"
my name is Lucy, and when my puppy came i couldn't have known it was him, because it came in the form of a man i loved so dearly. James, James White. People used to say I'll end up with him, that he and i were meant to be. i loved him. i would have done anything to keep him. i used to dream that he would be the one to father my children and that i would one day walk down the isle, my brother holding my hand and he would be at the end of the alter. many times we had broken up. and every time i found myself apologizing and waiting for him. sometimes we'd go months in a break up and id wait for him. i loved him and i thought i couldn't have no-one but him. my heart had become so programmed for him that even when i told myself no more waiting, my subconscious would still wait.
James and i had been together for a little over 5 years. he was the kind of man that every girl would have loved to marry. he was loving and present. i never had to worry about him with other women. sometimes i think we had been through it all, that we'd be able to survive anything, and sometimes that dream would be snatched from me and id be left with doubt. in all his loving and presence, James made me feel overwhelmed. especially when we were not together. And although i loved him, it felt as though he was turning me into someone else, someone that, although i recognized, was not me. He was turning me into a younger, less happy image of himself. i had learnt to be like him. to think like him, to be him and somewhere along the way i disappeared, so much so that all that was left of me was him. i was so consumed in his idea of love that i had forgotten my own. Love was supposed to be liberating,
it took me a year to realize that i was not happy anymore. And he had mentioned to me in a fight that he wasn't happy. i knew he was happy. i knew i would never be good enough for him. Not because i'm a terrible human being. in fact, i like to think i'm a good person, but because James was not looking for a girl like me. i knew i wasn't that girl, but the idea of letting go and moving on terrified me. All my hopes and dreams of being in a family, happy were with him and changing them scared me. I loved James, i still do, And i believe that somewhere in his heart, James loved me too.
letting go is not easy. I have come to believe that destiny is created, not certain. I could have chosen to marry James, squeeze my puppy, but i let him go, set him free so that someday, he may be happy, with someone new. A perfect owner for my puppy. "You cant make him stay" my daddy had said, and he was right, you can never make anyone stay. no matter how much you love them, how much you want them to stay. I would have loved for James to stay, but deep down i knew he would have loved for me to change. Love changes some things in you, that is a fact,love lets you be, love liberates you, love gives you a headache sometimes, sometimes it makes you cry, love lets you grow with time, love lets you find your path, but love doesn't completely transform you. it leaves space for your true nature to exist. One night in the depth of a heated fight, James said to me "i'm not happy lately", i hesitated, i cried, but in the end i replied "the truth is, you are not happy with me" oh, i remember how painful it felt, but i did not stop "if you are so unhappy, get up, walk away, let go" and a few days later he did. i'm not waiting anymore, my heart is not waiting. subconsciously, instead of waiting, i'm fixing myself. "you cant make him stay" i still hear my father's echoing voice in my head. "if you hold your puppy too close, you will squeeze the life out of him"
Friday 13 February 2015
what shall she do with her broken soul?
once in a while she sits in front of her mirror
alone in her room she sits
she looks past the makeup that hides her tear trails
behind her ghost smile that hides her pain
she sits by herself,
to look deep into her soul
inside where no-one has never been
and she every time she finds it still
she feels it strong and violent
it keeps her awake at night
and kills her slowly inside
because she knows her broken heart will mend
time will fix her mind
but what shall she do with her broken soul?
the pain she suffers feels eternal
lasting until she closes her eyes forever
it drags her down and swallows her whole
it tears her apart in every way
she has forgotten who she is or why she is
she picks up a mask every morning before she leaves
she puts it on to hide her grief
but inside she grieves, she cries,
oh! she shouts and she screams
because she cannot stand the throb of her broken soul
she knows the heart will heal with time
a broken wrist heals with age
broken nails grow with weeks
oh, but her soul!
her soul that used to be so cheerful
her soul that loved without measure
her soul that made her beautiful within
what shall she do with her broken soul?
in her room alone she cries
it is now alone that she can truly grieve,
the death of her unbroken soul
oh! what shall she do with her broken soul?
alone in her room she sits
she looks past the makeup that hides her tear trails
behind her ghost smile that hides her pain
she sits by herself,
to look deep into her soul
inside where no-one has never been
and she every time she finds it still
she feels it strong and violent
it keeps her awake at night
and kills her slowly inside
because she knows her broken heart will mend
time will fix her mind
but what shall she do with her broken soul?
the pain she suffers feels eternal
lasting until she closes her eyes forever
it drags her down and swallows her whole
it tears her apart in every way
she has forgotten who she is or why she is
she picks up a mask every morning before she leaves
she puts it on to hide her grief
but inside she grieves, she cries,
oh! she shouts and she screams
because she cannot stand the throb of her broken soul
she knows the heart will heal with time
a broken wrist heals with age
broken nails grow with weeks
oh, but her soul!
her soul that used to be so cheerful
her soul that loved without measure
her soul that made her beautiful within
what shall she do with her broken soul?
in her room alone she cries
it is now alone that she can truly grieve,
the death of her unbroken soul
oh! what shall she do with her broken soul?
Wednesday 4 February 2015
dear readers
apologies for inactivity in the blog. i am happy to announce that the blog will be up and running again as from next week.
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